


Stepping Stones

by somanyfeels



Category: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Allergies, Bucky Feels, Caretaking, Cuddling & Snuggling, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, First Time, Getting Together, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Minor Injuries, Nightmares, Oblivious Bucky, Oblivious Tony, Past Abuse, Pet Names, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Bucky Barnes, Relationship Negotiation, Sick Tony, Tony Feels, mother hen bucky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-12
Updated: 2015-05-28
Packaged: 2018-03-22 13:48:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3731179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somanyfeels/pseuds/somanyfeels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky remembers Howard.  They were friends during the war.  He also remembers killing him and his wife and staging it as an accident.  Now he’s been given safety and friends under the hospitality of Howard’s son and if Bucky can’t change the past he’ll try to make up for it by protecting the person who not only gave him a home but had to live with the consequences of his actions.  He didn’t expect to get too attached to Tony Stark.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Step One, Food

The thing was, Bucky remembered Howard. He remembered his quick wit and charm when talking to girls, his steady jokes when he came out for drinks with them, and he remembered how steady his hands always were when he worked. Bucky also remembered killing him.

 

That was probably why the little details he remembered about Howard seemed seared into him mind. It was also probably why Bucky became instantly protective of his son after Steve convinced him to come back to the tower and they all welcomed him with open arms. Tony was kind and charming and so damn friendly to Bucky even though they had all read the files about what he had done.

 

“He’s not eating enough.” Bucky muttered as Tony walked out of the kitchen with his fourth cup of coffee that day. He had one frozen waffle before disappearing down into his workshop, only coming out for the hot coffee that was always ready.

 

“He’s a grown man, Buck.” Steve said calmly with a soft shrug. “Can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do.”

 

Bucky groaned and pushed Steve away from the fridge so he could grab everything he needed. “Does he have any allergies?” He asked, grabbing as much healthy food as he can find.

 

“Not that I’m aware of.” Steve said. He took a step back and watched Bucky work.

 

Eggs were good, everyone liked eggs. Bucky scrambled a few and put them into a pan. As they cooked he started chopping up vegetables. Mushrooms, tomatoes, and peppers, all cut into bite sized pieces and thrown into the pan. Bucky stirred the contents of the pan before grabbing a plate and going to the fridge. They had biscuits with dinner the night before and he grabbed the ziplock bag that had the left overs, putting two on the plate.

 

Bucky grabbed a fork and carried the plate out of the kitchen, noting the sly grin on Steve’s face. He got into the elevator and frowned. There were no buttons. He had a small moment of panic as the doors slid shut. How was he supposed to get out without buttons? How was anyone supposed to get where they were going?

 

“Is there a particular floor you want, Sergeant Barnes?” The voice asked. Bucky stayed perfectly calm, he knew the voice, it was a good voice. Everyone asked the voice for things and got everything they needed.

 

“Take me to Tony?” He said slowly.

 

He felt the elevator start to ascend slowly and smoothly. When the doors open he was greeted by a large expanse of space, covered in machinery and noise. Tony’s workshop took up a whole floor with half a dozen cars in one corner, several robots wheeling around, holograms floating every few feet, and bits of machinery lying around everywhere.

 

Bucky made his way slowly through the mess until he found Tony half buried under a large machine he couldn’t recognize, his arms moving quickly as he worked and several tools lying forgotten next to him. Tony hadn’t responded to his presence, Bucky had a habit of moving soundlessly but he had assumed the voice would have announced his presence. Bucky placed the plate of food on a nearby table and walked over to Tony, kicking his foot lightly.

 

The response was instantaneous. Tony’s head shot up quickly and banged against the machine. With a groan Tony pulled himself out from under the metal. He had a hand pressed to his forehead and he looked up at Bucky, confused.

 

“If you’re going to kill me you could have at least did it without giving me a heart attack. I think I’m bleeding.” Tony said quickly. He pulled his hand back and yes, he was in fact bleeding. A sluggish line of blood was dripping from his forehead where it had hit the metal.

 

Bucky grabbed Tony by the elbows and dragged him towards a chair, silently demanding he sit down. He looked around quickly, his eyes trailing over everything until he found what he needed, a red first aid kit abandoned in a corner.

 

“Don’t move.” He said before marching over to retrieve it.

 

Tony stayed where he was, slouching in the chair Bucky had dumped him in and returned his dirty, grease stained hand to his forehead. Bucky snatched it away when he came back and worked on cleaning the wound.

 

“You shouldn’t touch it.” Bucky said. Tony shrugged. “It’s not that bad, it won’t even need stitches.”

 

“That’s good news. That last thing I need is a trip to the hospital, Pepper would have a fit.” Tony said quickly. “Is this food, did you bring me food?”

 

Tony’s attention had been drawn to the cooling plate of eggs on the table next to them. Bucky nodded and watched the man grab the plate gleefully. Now that he was up close he could tell, Tony had good muscle definition but not enough body fat. He really did need to eat more.

 

Bucky had to hold Tony’s head still to finish bandaging it because while Tony ate he was growing increasingly fidgety. Tony hummed in appreciation as he piled on his eggs onto a biscuit and devoured it. His hands were moving quickly and smoothly as the fork scooped up all the small bits of food. Bucky couldn’t help but stare as he moved.

 

He started to step away slowly, back towards the elevator. He stood by the doors for a few minutes, watching Tony finish the meal and return to the large hunk of machinery with renewed interest. He was pale, with dark circles under his eyes and his hair dirty as it stuck up in several directions. He needed to sleep more too.

 

Tony had apparently forgotten about Bucky entirely as he energetically began taking apart the machine and throwing the useless pieces off to the side. Bucky had a passing thought that something would fall and Tony would get trapped under there. He shook his head, Tony was an engineer, a mechanic. He did these things all the time. He knew what he was doing.

 

Bucky decided to focus on one thing at a time, seeing Tony as a mission he needed to complete. He wasn’t taking care of himself so Bucky would step in and handle it himself. Step one, getting Tony to put on weight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to comment or follow my [tumblr](http://aceofultron.tumblr.com/)


	2. Step Two, Injury Care

It had been three days and Tony continues to be surprised each and every time Bucky sneaks down with food. Every time he’s so startled he accidently hurts himself. It was frustrating. His mission was to keep Tony alive and healthy, a task that was proving difficult. Considering what he did he didn’t think he had the luxury of complaining.

 

“You could always knock, you know.” Tony said as Bucky once again led him to sit in the closest available chair. “I have a bad heart, you’re gonna kill me one of these days.”

 

“I’m not going to kill you.” Bucky said. He retrieved the first aid kit and gently grabbed Tony’s hand.

 

It wasn’t a large wound, just a small burn a few inches wide on Tony’s palm. Bucky had once again silently entered the workshop with a plate of food without Tony noticing. When he went to touch his shoulder the man had jumped away and grabbed the wrong end of a blow torch. Bucky didn’t want to have Jarvis announce his arrival before he got there, he didn’t like being expected and for people to know where he was or what he was doing. But if Tony was going to keep this up he might have to make that sacrifice.

 

Tony hissed as Bucky cradled his injured hand gently and rubbed the ointment over the reddened skin but didn’t try to yank his hand away. He bandaged it slowly, his metal fingers curling around Tony’s slender ones. They were calloused and Bucky could imagine them working over a machine with practiced ease. They were Howard’s hands.

 

He dropped the hand quickly, blinking away the mental images of burning cars and dead bodies. He turned his attention to Tony’s forehead, pulling the bandage back to look at the cut. It was slightly swollen, the skin inflamed, and hot to the touch. Infected.

 

“Have you been touching it?” Bucky asked quickly as he walked away from Tony and towards the sink. He got a muffled response in return. Tony was talking around a mouthful of potatoes with a wide smile. “This isn’t funny, Stark. Infections are dangerous.”

 

Tony swallowed and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “So I poke at it a few times. It itches. Sue me.” He said, not taking his eyes off of the meal Bucky had brought down. “If you do I can guarantee you won’t win. I have an army of lawyers who are all the best at what they do.”

 

“I’m not…” Bucky muttered to himself before shaking his head. He walked back over to Tony, a clean glass of water in hand. “Tilt your head back.”

 

Tony did as he was told, which was surprising considering how many times Bucky had heard Steve complain about his lack of obedience. He poured the water over the wound, cleaning it and in the process getting water all over Tony’s shirt and floor. No one seemed bothered by it, except for the robot that came wheeling out of the corner with a mop.

 

Bucky put a clean bandage over it and took a step back, watching as Tony went back to devouring his meal. He was going to wait until he saw Tony eat every last bite. The man seemed too thin, too small, and Bucky thought that if he pressed on him just right he would snap in half.

 

“Stay put.” Bucky said firmly. Tony glanced over, raising an eyebrow. “I’m going to go find some antibiotics. Don’t touch anything.”

 

He didn’t wait to hear Tony’s response. Bucky returned to the elevator and waited. The voice knew where everything in the tower was located, so when it calmly told Bucky which medicine cabinets to look in he went with only slight hesitation. The closest one was two floors below Tony’s workshop on the communal floor. 

 

Natasha and Clint were on the couch, playing a racing video game with bright colors and loud noises that Bucky didn’t know the name of. They didn’t look over when he walked past them and to the bathroom. It was there, a small white bottle of pills and Bucky plucked it from the cabinet before heading back out.

 

“Is something wrong with the baby?” Clint asked, not looking away from the tv screen. Bucky stopped and simply tilted his head. “You know, Tony. The baby. He’s always getting hurt.”

 

“Forgive him, he’s an idiot.” Natasha said, also not taking her eyes off of their game. “But you come to get a pill bottle right after you take food down to Tony, we assume something’s wrong.”

 

“He cut his head.” Bucky said quietly.

 

Natasha hummed. “I was wondering about that. Saw it yesterday when he was talking about reinforcing the armor in my suit.” She said. “Figured he hurt himself in the lab again.”

 

“It’s infected.” Bucky muttered as he glanced back to the elevator. No one ever spoke to him this much, except for Steve.

 

Clint chuckled softly as their game finished, Natasha won. “Of course it is. He was poking at it, wasn’t he? With his disgusting hands that are covered in oil and god knows what.”

 

“It’s a miracle he’s still alive.” Natasha said. They started their next race and Bucky continued walking towards the elevator.

 

His carefully planned mission to keep Tony healthy was probably going to be more difficult than he expected. Of course, his experience usually revolved around killing people, not keeping them alive, but missions were missions and laying out carefully made plans was what he did best.

 

He owed it to him, to both Tony and Howard. What he did was inexcusable in his mind. Howard used to be his friend, from what he could tell with all the jumbled up memories slowly coming back to him, and he had killed him. Tony was a good man, a hero, and Bucky had left him an orphan. Bucky couldn’t fix it, couldn’t make it better, but he could do what he could.

 

The elevator doors closed behind him and he felt it begin to move. He tapped his metal fingers on his flesh hand and frowned.

 

“Voice?” Bucky said slowly.

 

“The residents of the tower call me Jarvis, Sergeant Barnes.” The crisp British voice spoke from nowhere. “How may I be of assistance?”

 

“Tell Tony I’m on my way back down.”


	3. Step Three, Rest

Bucky had a plan set up, a carefully selected series of steps to improve Tony’s health, wellbeing, and slowly teach him to take care of himself. So far he had gotten Tony to eat more, healthier even, and he was adding some much needed body fat to his lean frame. Bucky somehow had become in charge of treating all of the minor injuries Tony accumulated throughout his time in the lab, all small cuts or burns that just needed to be cleaned, bandaged, and left to heal.

 

It was all part of the plan, his mission to keep Tony alive. However, he wasn’t prepared to walk into the kitchen to fix Tony lunch, like he had been doing the past few weeks, and find the man already sitting there.

 

“Here to make a request?” Bucky asked as he made his way to the fridge. Usually when Tony asked about the food Bucky was making him it was to inquire about flavored pancakes or donuts, but today he just grunted in response.

 

Bucky turned back to look at him. Tony’s eyes were glazed over as he stared at a particular spot in the granite on the kitchen island. Bucky took a small step towards him, frowning at the sight of Tony’s flushed face and soft sniffles.

 

“Is he sick?” Steve asked, walking into the room. He gave a single glance to Tony before going through the cabinets.

 

“Looks like it.” Bucky said, lifting his hand slowly and pressing it to Tony’s forehead. The reaction happened quickly, Tony jerked back and almost fell out of his seat, Bucky’s quick reflexes had him reaching out and grabbing hold of his shirt to stop him from hitting the ground.

 

Steve walked up next to him, leaning in to look closely at Tony. “He’s sick alright.” Steve said, grimacing in sympathy. “What are you going to do about it?”

 

“What makes you think I’m going to do anything?” Bucky asked. He hesitantly took his eyes off Tony to glance quickly at Steve. He had pulled Tony back into his stool and started brushing the hair from his sweaty forehead.

 

“Because you’re you. When we were young and I got sick it’s like your protective instincts jumped into overdrive. Made me stay in bed and ran around endlessly making sure I had everything I needed.” Steve said. He reached across the kitchen island and took Tony’s face in his hands, gently cupping each cheek. Bucky recalled Sarah, Steve’s mother, and how she used to press her hands to their faces every other day to make sure they weren’t getting sick. She had done it more for Steve’s sake than Bucky’s but if they both put up with the doting, protective treatment then Steve whined less. The memories rose to the surface and forced a soft smile onto Bucky’s face as he watched Steve behave so much like his mother. “He’s burning up.”

 

“Tony, you should be in bed.” Bucky said.

 

“I have work.” Tony muttered, blinking slowly. “Grown up stuff.”

 

“Grown up stuff can wait.” Bucky said, shaking his head. Tony was stubborn, but this was important. “Don’t make me carry you to bed.”

 

He had Tony’s attention then, his glazed eyes focused quickly as they shot over to Bucky. His eyebrow rose and his mouth morphed into an exhausted smirk. It was actually a bit adorable. Bucky reached out and wiped the droplets of sweat off of Tony’s forehead.

 

“Knew you were into me, alright let’s take this upstairs.” Tony said. His eyes glazed back over and his arms rose slightly in Bucky’s direction. He grunted as Bucky lifted him into the air, tossing him over his shoulders and walked towards the exit. “Yay, off to party.”

 

“You’re feverish.” Bucky mumbled, shaking his head slightly.

 

Tony was quiet, which was strange. Tony was always talking. He was already less talkative, which Bucky blamed on his fever, but now he was completely silent. If he had not been able to feel the steady rise and fall of Tony’s chest against his shoulders he would have been worried. He was still alive though, but he needed rest.

 

Jarvis opened all the automatic doors for them, leading the way up to Tony’s penthouse and towards his bedroom. He tried not to look around. This was Tony’s private space, he hadn’t been given permission to be up here let alone look around. He kept his gaze forward until they came to his bedroom.

 

There was a larger bed than he expected, Bucky honestly didn’t know they made them this big. He was as gentle as he knew how to be when he placed Tony on the smooth sheets. Gentle enough to not cause any damage but not enough to stop the jerky movements from waking Tony. He blinked up to Bucky, frowning for a few seconds before rolling over on his side and dragging his blankets over him. It didn’t look comfortable, not with Tony’s shoes and dress clothes still on. Bucky didn’t touch him, just watched as Tony curled further into his blankets and quickly fell back to sleep. It wasn’t appropriate to change Tony into anything more comfortable, not without the man’s permission and Bucky couldn’t bring himself to wake him up again. He needed rest.

 

He looked terrible. The lines of Tony’s face were more prominent than before, his hair was plastered to his sweaty forehead, and the dark circles under his eyes stood out on his flushed face. Bucky wanted to reach out and trace the patches of pink that appeared on Tony’s cheeks. Instead he turned and left the bedroom.

 

Bucky stopped by Tony’s kitchen to fill up a glass of water. He dropped a few ice cubs into the cup, ran it under the faucet, and took it back to Tony’s room. Hopefully the water would still be cold by the time Tony woke up, he needed it.

 

He was back to standing at the side of Tony’s bed. He was lost at what he should do at this point. Perhaps he should make him soup for when he wakes up, or get him icepacks, or stay and make sure he keeps breathing. It was in Tony’s file, he had decreased lung capacity even after the reactor was removed. Bucky suddenly had dozens of terrifying thoughts flashing through his head, that if he left then Tony would stop breathing. If he stayed and Tony stopped breathing and he crushed his chest trying to give him CPR.

 

Bucky could feel his muscles tense, his hands closing up in tight fists. He was a monster. A machine built to kill and destroy. How could he possibly manage to keep Tony alive, who at the moment seemed so small and helpless? The man was on his side, face mashed into a pillow, and curled up so tight he seemed half his side. He wanted to reach down and brush the hair off of his sweaty forehead, wanted to have his fingers trail over the soft pink line of the healing cut on his forehead from when Bucky had accepted this new mission and accidently startled Tony too bad.

 

“Can I help you?” Bucky’s head whipped around to the door. James Rhodes, Bucky had read his file too. He had read all the files on the Avengers, even the ones he wasn’t granted secutity access to.

 

“Stark’s sick.” He said simply, turning his head back to Tony’s sleeping form.

 

Rhodes nodded. “Yeah. Jarvis told me that as soon as I entered the building. He was going to meet me to discuss upgrades to my armor.” He said slowly. Bucky watched him carefully as he walked up to the bed and carefully laid a hand on Tony’s head. “He’s sick alright.”

 

“Yes and he needs rest.” Bucky said. Rhodes movements were completely nonthreatening but Bucky wanted to be ready in case that changed.

 

Rhodes nodded. He turned quickly and walked out of the bedroom, Bucky followed slowly. He wanted to keep an eye on this man, this stranger. Bucky stopped at the door, watching Rhodes walk past Tony’s living room and into his kitchen.

 

“Do you want a beer?” Rhodes called out, glancing back at Bucky and opening the fridge. He shook his head. He shouldn’t take such liberties with Tony’s things. “Don’t worry about him, he’ll be out for hours.”

 

Looking back into the room, Bucky could still see Tony curled up in his bed. His eyes lingered on the steady rise and fall of his chest and nodded. He walked out into Tony’s living room, watching as Rhodes came in and plopped down on the couch.

 

“What was it this time?” He asked. “Is he not sleeping enough? That’s probably it. He works too hard and then his body is just too exhausted to keep going.”

 

Sleep. Bucky ran through his mental list of objectives for his mission to keep Tony alive and made sleep the next priority. The way Rhodes was talking, it sounded like Tony got sick a lot. That was unacceptable.

 

“I put him to bed.” Bucky said slowly. “He needs rest.”

 

“Couldn’t agree with you more.” Rhodes said. He tapped the couch cushion, gesturing for Bucky to sit. There was only a small moment of hesitation, but Bucky sat down. “So…”

 

“You’re Tony’s friend.” Bucky said. He tried to recall everything he had read in the files. Tony trusted this man.

 

“Yep. I’ve known Tony for almost twenty years.” Rhodes said, smiling. “It’s a long time, but that idiot keeps it interesting.”

 

“If it makes you feel better, I’ve known Stevie for almost a century.” Bucky said.

 

“Wow. If I was stuck with Tony for a century I’d probably end up strangling him eventually.” He said, chuckling softly. Bucky froze. It was a joke, he knew it was a joke, but pretending to want to kill Tony wasn’t something he found particularly funny. “So, where did you meet Captain Rogers?”

 

Bucky relaxed slowly, they had changed the subject. That was good. “I don’t know.” He said. It was the truth. He could remember short little snippets of memories of the past, usually they were brought up by something familiar, but there were still a lot of blank spaces. He didn’t remember meeting Steve, he just remembered knowing him. 

 

“Well, I met Tony at MIT. It was his birthday.” Rhodes said. His tone had changed slightly, just enough for Bucky to pick it up. “He was drinking, a lot. I don’t know why, I didn’t ask and he didn’t tell me. I was there, I heard there would be free food and alcohol and that appealed to my twenty year old idiot mind. But I showed up and Tony was there, shorter, thinner, and clearly younger than everyone else. It was distracting because he was drinking so much I was afraid something would happen to the kid. A lot of things can happen to a kid who’s drunk and alone. So I kept an eye on him, dragged him to the bathroom when he started throwing up, and then he punched me in the face when I told him he had had enough to drink.”

 

Rhodes shrugged, still smiling at the memories. Bucky didn’t understand. It actually sounded like a terrible way for him to meet someone who seemed to have become his best friend. Tony let him have a suit, upgraded it for him regularly, there was clearly trust there.

 

“He didn’t hit hard. I eventually got him into bed and he curled his hands into my shirt with a death grip when he passed out. In the morning he bought me breakfast we discussed aeronautical engineering for hours.” Rhodes said. He stared off towards Tony’s open bedroom door, eyes unfocused. “He became my best friend in no time at all. I love that kid. He once broke into the dean’s office with me and put a glitter bomb in his desk drawer because I thought it would be funny. Some of my best memories are with Tony. He may have a self-destructive streak and is frustrating as hell, but I want him to be okay. So I’m going to ask you this once, what are you doing with him?”

 

Bucky blinked a few times, utterly silent as he processed the question and tried to think of an appropriate response. “I’m not doing anything with him.”

 

“Bullshit. Tony calls me every other day and talks all about what’s happening in the tower, how many villains they had to fight, how he’s upgrading his armor, and what’s going on in his life before we move on to what I want to talk about.” Rhodes said quickly. “And lately, he’s been talking more and more about you. How you show up every day to make sure he drinks his milk and eats his veggies, patch him up when he’s hurt, and I want to know what your plan is.”

 

“I just want him to be okay.” Bucky said. Rhodes leaned away, his eyebrows furrowing and his mouth turning down into a deep frown. “I killed his parents. I hurt him, betrayed people I used to trust. I have to make it right. I can’t take it back, I can’t change the past, but I’m not going to let Tony get hurt anymore.”

 

They both just stared at each other in silence. Rhodes looked like he was about ready to either attack him or accept his answer, Bucky wasn’t sure. Everything was getting loud, his enhanced senses picking up the ticking of the clock, the sounds of traffic over fifty stories down, Tony’s breathing in the next room.

 

“Alright.” Rhodes said finally. “But if I hear that you’ve hurt him in any way I’ll take that suit I took from Tony and hunt you down.”

 

That made sense. Bucky could accept that. In fact, he was almost relieved to see someone was as dedicated to keeping Tony alive as he was. But it didn’t matter. Bucky could never hurt Tony. He couldn’t be the man responsible for the deaths of all three Starks. He couldn’t be his friend and then turn around and kill him, watch him die slowly and painfully just like he did with Howard. He wouldn’t.

 

“Sounds fair to me.”


	4. Step Four, Sleep

Bucky learned a few things about Tony while he was sick. If he was really sick Tony would be quiet and sleep most of the time, which made Bucky hate silence. Silence had become far too filled with worry. Another thing he learned was that Tony snored, just a soft sound that had quickly become one of Bucky’s favorites as it cast aside the silence and provided auditory evidence that Tony was still alive. When Tony snored, which wasn’t nearly as often as Bucky would have preferred, he didn’t have to sneak into Tony’s room to check his pulse every few hours.

 

He also learned that as Tony gradually became less sick, while he still slept most of the day, he became louder and more obnoxious when he was awake. There were constant complaints and rants about how he didn’t have the time or luxury to lay in bed all day. In Tony’s head, if he was done throwing up he was ready to start working again. Bucky wouldn’t let him. Tony’s face was still flushed and his skin was still hot to the touch. He would just sit with Tony until he ranted himself to exhaustion and fell back to sleep.

 

This time was different though. He and Tony had been watching the news, some report about whether or not the Avengers and other groups of heroes were still needed since there hadn’t been a villain attack in almost two months. Oddly enough that was around the same amount of time Bucky had been staying in the tower. Regardless, Tony didn’t seem bothered by the report and fell asleep, curled up on his side with his hand fisted into Bucky’s shirt.

 

That was the strange part. Tony had insisted Bucky stay, told him to sit down and they could watch tv together since Bucky was so enthusiastic that Tony rest. Now he was lying on Bucky, his head lying on his shoulder and a hand clutching his shirt as if he was afraid that the moment he let go Bucky would disappear completely. It was exciting, considering the fact that it was just someone sleeping next to him there were shivers that ran down his spine with each small puff of air Tony breathed against his neck. It was all very confusing, but amazing. Bucky felt warm, happy, and he kept an arm curled around Tony’s shoulders.

 

Tony shifted, he turned slightly to bury his face further into Bucky’s neck and hitch his leg up over his hip. Bucky tried to stay as perfectly still as possible, perplexed by the intimacy Tony exhibited when fast asleep. He was warm, cuddled up next to Bucky’s cold metal arm as if it wasn’t a weapon that could collapse his throat with just a simple squeeze. Tony felt safe enough to sleep with Bucky so close.

 

His body responded to the gentle touches in a strange way Bucky wasn’t accustomed to. His senses spiked in places he hardly ever thought about and warmth settled in his stomach. Tony just kept on sleeping, unaware of the affect his heavy leg and ticklish breathing was doing to Bucky. It wasn’t entirely a horrible feeling, if fact it was actually rather enjoyable. There was no pain and no extreme discomfort, just a soft pleasure that jumped with each of Tony’s warm huffs of breath against his neck.

 

He glanced over to Tony, looking his face over carefully. His long eyelashes rested on his cheek, his dark hair had fallen into curled messes instead of their usual careful style, and he seemed so calm and at peace Bucky would have been pleased to just lay there and watch him until he woke up.

 

But he could leave Tony for a few minutes to go to the bathroom and relieve himself of the building tension in his muscles. It was an interesting feeling, both new and familiar at the same time. It was something he hadn’t felt in a long time. Something good. If he talked to a professional about it then they would probably say it was just another sign of his recovery.

 

Slipping out from under Tony was easy, Bucky had a lot of practice in making sure people didn’t notice his movements. He slipped into the bathroom and shut the door behind him, being careful to listen to any sounds in the next room. Tony was the priority, if he woke up and was sick again or needed anything Bucky would be there in an instant.

 

Bucky knew instantly what needed attention, he could recall doing this before a long time ago. He slipped his thumbs into the waistband of his sweat pants and pushed them down slowly. He laid his palm over the front of his boxers, hissing at the pressure and friction. It had been a long time since he had done this, since he had even considered it. He didn’t know what brought it on today after so many years but he was glad to have it back.

 

It had been almost a year since he had escaped HYDRA and each week he was starting to feel things he hadn’t even known a person could but quickly realized it was natural and normal. He was feeling more human.

 

Bucky’s head tipped back as he stuck his hand down the waistband of his boxers and grasped himself firmly, his metal hand gripping at the bathroom counter. It had been far too long, far too many years since he was allowed to chase his own pleasure. Bucky moved his hand slowly up and down his shaft, biting his lower lip to stifle his moans. His eyes closed as he reveled in the feel of his rough hand moving over him. As he started moving faster, building himself up more and more, his breathes became shorter, desperate.

 

He was close to the edge, but couldn’t quite get to it. Bucky didn’t open his eyes, just let his mind wander to some mental image to help get him off. First he tried to think about Anna Kendall, the first girl he had ever slept with when he was sixteen. He tried to recall her gentle touches and awkward giggles, but that didn’t seem to work. Bucky couldn’t remember anyone else he had slept with, he was sure there were more but his memory hadn’t expanded enough to recall those things. Then a picture flashed through his head, Tony leaning over a project with his quick and clever hands. Those hands, with their slender fingers, could probably do amazing things. He imagined Tony’s wide, excited eyes that would be aimed towards him whenever he walked down to his workshop with a hot plate of food. He wondered, briefly, what Tony would look like sweaty and sprawled out underneath him.

 

Bucky came with a gasp that sounded much like a sob. He kept his eyes closed, his breathing heavy as he slumped against the counter. Relief washed over him as the tension drained from him. He felt more relaxed than he could ever remember being.

 

He took a few minutes to collect himself and catch his breath. Then he started cleaning up, getting rid of all the evidence of what he had just done in Tony’s bathroom. He washed his hands, splashed watcher over his face, and made sure his clothes were in the right place.

 

“Voice? Jarvis?” Bucky whispered, suddenly remembering the invisible presence that was everywhere in the tower.

 

“How may I assist you, Sergeant Barnes?” The british voice said from nowhere.

 

“Can you… not tell Tony I did that in his bathroom?” Bucky said, a light blush spreading across his cheeks. “In fact, just not mention anything about this again.”

 

“Of course, sir.” Jarvis said. “I should also mention that there are no cameras in any of the bedrooms or bathrooms in the tower.”

 

Bucky nodded to himself as he walked over to the door. That was good information to know. He stepped out into the bedroom, the lights were still off, the tv still on as an indistinct murmur came from it, and Tony was curled up in the middle of the bed. He was in a much tighter ball than he had been when Bucky excused himself, his shoulders were shaking and both of his hands were gripping the sheets tightly. As Bucky got closer he could hear small, frightened gasps. A nightmare, Tony was having a nightmare.

 

At first he didn’t know what to do. He had been taking care of Tony while he was awake and sick, making him soup, keeping him from overheating, making sure he got some rest. He didn’t know what to do to help Tony when he was asleep and afraid. Bucky had experience with nightmares, he had had enough of them, at least one every few nights, to know how terrible and horrifying they could be. But he always just woke up on his own or slept through them, waiting out the terror on his own. He didn’t know if shaking Tony awake would be any help at all.

 

“Please.” Tony whispered, a sound so quiet Bucky’s enhanced hearing almost didn’t pick it up. “No no no no, please.”

He couldn’t take it, he couldn’t just sit by and listen to it. He shouldn’t had left Tony alone like that. Bucky reached out and gently placed a hand on Tony’s shoulder. He didn’t even get the chance to shake him awake before Tony’s eyes snapped open and he jerked away, flinging himself across the bed and onto the floor. Bucky stepped back quickly, his hands raised in a placating gesture. Tony scooted away from the bed, pressing himself into a corner and pressing his face into his hands. He was hyperventilating, breathing to fast and too shallow to be getting much oxygen. Tony was panicking.

 

“Tony?” Bucky said softly as he took a few steps around the bed and towards Tony. The smaller man didn’t give any indication that he had heard him, just kept his head buried into his hands. “I’m sorry, Tony. Did I hurt you?”

 

Tony’s eyes peeked out from behind his fingers, lingering for a few seconds before his face was completely covered with his hands again. His breathing had slowed slightly but still too fast for Bucky’s liking and Tony shook wildly. Bucky didn’t want to crowd him, wanted to give him space, but he also wanted to pull him tight and keep him safe. He crouched down in front of Tony.

 

“Do you want me to leave?” He asked slowly. 

 

Tony’s hand shot out and wrapped around Bucky’s wrist. He shook his head as he jumped into Bucky’s arms. Tony felt cold and he shook so much Bucky would have to worry about him falling apart. He took Tony into his arms and held him tight. Something was wrong, he didn’t know what it was but he would do whatever Tony asked of him at the moment.

 

“’s cold.” Tony muttered, his voice sounding every bit as shaky as he was. He pressed his face into the crook of Bucky’s neck.

 

“Do you want to go lie down?” Bucky asked. Tony’s grip on his shirt tightened.

 

“You’ll stay?” Tony said, his voice a whisper.

Bucky nodded. “Yeah.”

 

Bucky picked Tony up effortlessly, the man going easily into his strong arms. He turned to the bed several feet away and pulled back the blankets. When they were both in bed and covered, 

 

Tony wrapped himself around Bucky, attaching himself tightly to his shirt and kept his face hidden.

 

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?” Bucky asked. He raised his hand slowly and started running his fingers through Tony’s tangled hair.

 

“Bad dream.” Tony said, his voice muffled. Bucky could feel Tony try to wiggle closer, an impossible feat unless he was going to melt into Bucky’s skin. “It was cold. Dark.”

 

“Do you want me to turn up the heat?” Bucky asked. 

 

“Yeah.” Tony said, but Bucky didn’t even have to get up because he could hear the click of the heater and the quiet sound of rushing air. Jarvis was a miracle worker, he may not be able to see them but since he could hear what Tony wanted and do that in seconds then Bucky was relieved.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Bucky asked. It made him feel like a hypocrite. Steve would occasionally find him in the kitchen at odd hours of the night after a nightmare woke him up. He would always offer to talk about it, said it would help, but Bucky always refused.

 

Tony hesitated. He felt warmer now, his violent shaking had died down, and his breathing had evened out. “It was the cave.” He said, with a hint of finality.

 

That was the end of it. Bucky didn’t press further and Tony didn’t seem too interested in talking any further. He wasn’t entirely sure what cave Tony was talking about, there may have been mentions of it in his file but there was so little in there to begin with he couldn’t be sure.

 

Perhaps this was the problem. Nightmares could be keeping Tony up, causing him to work himself to exhaustion until his body couldn’t take it anymore. That might be how he got sick. Tony needed sleep. He was curled up tightly around Bucky, his slow breathing indicated he was calm, if not tired and getting ready to doze again. Tony wanted Bucky to stay so he would for as long as he needed too.

 

Something was there. Something intimate that lurked just under Bucky’s consciousness. Tony was something precious, beautiful, and Bucky felt something. It was more than guilt, more than protectiveness. It was some new feeling Bucky was almost certain he hadn’t felt before, whether he had all of his memories or not. But he wouldn’t focus on that right now. Right now he just wanted Tony to get some sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so that was my first time writing anything even remotely smutty. Was it alright? Either way, more to come. Thank you for reading.


	5. Step Five, Stress Relief

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are officially half way through the story. I hope you have liked it so far and will continue to read until it's finished. Thank you.

Things weren’t going as Bucky had originally planned. Everything was fine, Tony was alive and well. He wasn’t even sick anymore. He stayed in his workshop all day building his suits and weapons for the team, but came up regularly for meals and to sleep. He was definitely healthier. He had gained weight so his muscled, yet lanky, arms and legs didn’t look so bony anymore. He was sleeping more, the dark circles under his eyes had long faded. Also, he wasn’t working himself to the point of exhaustion anymore. Tony was doing alright, Bucky’s mission was going smoothly.

 

But something was definitely different now. Something had changed between the two of them. Bucky preferred to ignore the fact that Tony was eating simply because he was making all of his meals and he would deny it entirely that he enjoyed making it for him. Bucky also pretended not to notice that over the days Tony was sick Bucky had gone from sleeping in Steve’s guestroom on his floor to sleeping on Tony’s couch. There was one moment in particular, where Tony had his nightmare, that Bucky held him during the night so he could sleep peacefully. After that Bucky seemed to spend every night in Tony’s bed, holding him while he slept.

 

Neither of them talked about it, it was the secret they didn’t even admit to themselves, but it was good for both of them. If Bucky woke up from a nightmare, dreams of HYDRA coming back and taking him away, of waking up and finding out his new life was all just a lie, or everything he’s done, he’ll open his eyes and Tony would be lying half on him and he’d know that everything is just fine. But things were different now, strange, and Bucky knew exactly what it was.

 

It was Tony. It was the way he would come up from his workshop every time Bucky was in the kitchen to watch him cook, rambling about his latest projects. It might also be how beautiful he was all the time, no matter what time of day it was. It was the fact that he had completely fallen for him. He remembered dating in the past, in a life that seemed too distant to really be his. He remembered being charming and suave and getting the girls, and occasional guy that he kept secret, to become putty in his hands.

 

“What?” Tony asked, glancing up from the gauntlet he had lying in front of him.

 

“Let’s go get something to eat.” Bucky said again. It wasn’t a date. Not really. He just wanted to pull Tony away from his work and spend time with him that didn’t involve his self-imposed goal to take care of him. He wanted Tony to be more than a mission.

 

Tony paused, his face would have looked calm to the untrained eye but Bucky could make out dozens of emotions in all of his micro-expressions. The dominant ones were fear, confusion, and excitement. Bucky wasn’t sure what to make of that but he hoped for the best.

 

“I don’t eat dinner this late.” Tony said slowly. Bucky nodded. It was 9 in the evening, too late for dinner but the perfect time to still spend time together.

 

“Then how about a movie?” Bucky asked. Tony was hesitating, if he said no then he would back off.

 

Tony didn’t seem comfortable, his eyes started darting to numerous computer screens and half-finished projects across the workshop. “Are we going out?” He said once he finally looked back to Bucky.

 

“Not if you don’t want to.” He said, smiling as Tony nodded and stood. “We can stay in and find something.”

 

It was a relief to hear Tony following along behind him, talking quickly about how he wanted to make the lasers in his gauntlets more sustainable so that they can still work after one use. 

 

Bucky listened to every word as they took the elevator up to Tony’s floor and went to the living room. 

 

The tv was already on, reruns of the old teen titans cartoon were playing. It was pretty good from what Bucky had seen, he liked the shows of the future, but he wanted to watch a movie and have an excuse to keep Tony sitting by his side for two hours. Or longer. Tony didn’t protest when Bucky requested the first Hobbit film.

 

They didn’t even make it ten minutes into the film before the silence was broken. Tony was fidgety, uncomfortable, and Bucky was surprised he had managed to keep quite as long as he did.

 

“What are you doing?” Tony asked, not taking his eyes off of the screen.

 

“Watching a movie. Hopefully a good one.” Bucky said. “I read the book back before the whole world went to shit, was pretty good.”

 

“That’s not what I meant and you know it Barnes.” Tony said. Bucky wasn’t looking at Tony but he also wasn’t paying attention to the movie. His focus was on the small mass of dark hair he could make out in his peripheral vision.

 

“Well, sweetheart, maybe I thought we could both use a break and watch what I hear is a good movie, like normal people do.” Bucky said. He didn’t bother mentioning that they weren’t normal people. Tony was a beautiful genius who worked too hard to save the world and Bucky was the monster who killed his parents.

 

There was a pause. “I don’t really have time to watch a movie.”

 

“Then why did you come.” Bucky asked, he looked away from the tv finally to glance over to Tony. The man looked confused, his eyebrows bunched together in a look of frustration. “You could have said ‘no’ and I would have left it.”

 

“Yeah, well, you asked me to watch a movie.” Tony said.

 

Bucky smiled. “I technically asked you to dinner first.”

 

“But you always make dinner, you never ask.” Tony said. He finally turned to look at Bucky and frowned. “You come to my lab with a steaming plate of some of the most delicious things I’ve ever had, watch me eat it, and then take the plate and go. You’ve never asked first.”

 

“Well, maybe I thought you could use a break this time. You’ve been working really hard lately. You’re stressed.” Bucky said. Tony seemed to be getting excited and he wasn’t entirely sure why.

 

“Of course I have. I have to make sure the team is prepared for the next attack.” Tony said quickly. His whole body turned to face Bucky on the couch and he propped his knees under himself. “It’s been months since any activity from any known villain. Either the whole world turned upside down and everything is fine and safe now or something big is coming. I’m a realist, bad guys don’t just turn around and give up.”

 

Bucky blinked at him for a few minutes, pondering his words. True, it’s been very quiet and although the SHIELD psychologist had cleared him for duty he was pleased that everything was calm. He had 70 years of missions and these past few months have been amazing. He was calm, all the decade’s worth of tension that had built up in his muscles had slowly melted away. It was good not to fight for a while, but Tony was on edge because he wasn’t.

 

“You need a break, doll.” Bucky said, shaking his head. “I’m sure your suits are fine, the world will still be here if you take a few hours to spend on yourself.”

 

Tony had gone quite. It wasn’t one of his few second pauses while he thought about something that perplexed him, this lasted for almost a minute as he stared straight at Bucky.

 

“What are you doing?” Tony asked.

 

Bucky smiled. “Trying to watch a movie.”

 

“No. I mean, what are you trying to do? And don’t say ‘watch a movie’.” Tony said slowly. He pinned such a hard stare on Bucky that he would have been afraid if not for the fact that Tony was the least terrifying person on the planet. He cried watching 13 Going on 30 when they watched it together when he made sick Tony stay in bed for a few days. It was too adorable for Bucky to ever think Tony was intimidating. “No one just fixes me food and bandages up all my scratches and cuts. No one just holds me through the nightmares every night and then not ask for anything. So what are you doing?”

 

“I did ask for something.” Bucky said. It was true. Bucky had asked for one thing, one small, incredible thing and it had made him very happy. “I asked you to take a break, come see a movie with me. And you did.”

 

Tony blinked, took a single deep breath before something softer, more determined replaced the confusion in his eyes. Bucky was half tempted to throw Tony off of him when the man threw a leg over him and straddled him, old instincts and trained responses telling him to get away from the man who had come too close too quickly, but he something stopped him. Some warmth, some excitement, and some caring stopped him from doing nothing more than settling his hands onto Tony’s hips, light enough for Tony to pull away if he wanted to.

 

“Is this what you wanted?” Tony asked, leaning forward slowly. “You want me close? You want to take care of me? You want me here, in your arms?”

 

Bucky swallowed. He was dreaming, he had to be dreaming. It wouldn’t have been the first time he had imagined something like this in his sleep, dreamt of Tony’ flushed face and breathy moans only to wake up and find the man still asleep, dressed, and completely unaware of the fact that Bucky had started wanting more than to just keep him alive. Bucky wanted to keep Tony happy, wanted to have Tony in his arms, wanted Tony to be his. But it was always a dream and if the real life Tony knew then things wouldn’t be the same. He wouldn’t let Bucky hold him at night to help chase away the bad memories and scary dreams, he wouldn’t let Bucky curl into his side whenever he had a nightmare himself, he would restrict his access to the lab, wouldn’t let Bucky bring him food anymore. Everything would be ruined.

 

“You think I don’t see how you look at me?” Tony, probably a dream Tony, whispered into his ear. Bucky closed his eyes as Tony’s warm, soft lips brushed against the skin just below his ear. This couldn’t be a dream, he would never be able to imagine Tony’s lips so perfectly. Bucky didn’t know whether to be thrilled or terrified by that realization.

 

He didn’t want to overthink things, dream or no he knew what he wanted. Bucky turned his head, catching those perfect and real lips on his own. Now he was positive, it had to be real. Nothing in Bucky’s mind could ever be this amazing and beautiful and perfect. Tony leaned into the kiss, opening his mouth slightly to lick at Bucky’s bottom lip.

 

Bucky jerked back quickly, ripping his hands off of Tony’s hips as if they had been burned. He hated himself in this moment. He should never touch Tony like this, not with the hands he had used to kill his parents, to kill countless others. He shouldn’t touch Tony after everything he had done. Tony was one of the few things in the world that were good, that made Bucky feel like less of a mindless monster and more like a human being trying to go through life. He wasn’t deserving to touch Tony as if he was allowed the chance to love and be loved by this man.

 

Tony blinked at him for a few seconds after Bucky pulled away before scrambling off of him. “Sorry.” He said quickly. “I just thought…” 

 

Tony turned towards the door and left, leaving Bucky behind with nothing but the sounds of singing dwarves coming through the tv. This wasn’t part of the plan, wasn’t in any of the steps to Tony’s health he had carefully laid out. This was supposed to be the penance for his sins, his opportunity to do one right thing after all of the horrible things he had done. He wasn’t supposed to fall in love with Tony Stark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may not be able to update as quickly as I want to in the next few weeks. Finals are coming up and I have a lot of work to do. I apologize. I'll make the next chapter a good one.


	6. Step Six, Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter. Yay. It turned out longer than the usual ones, but hopefully it's nice and you all enjoy it.

“Natasha, please.” Bucky said, holding the plate out to her and nodded towards the elevator.

 

She didn’t even glance at the plate and kept a neutral expression. “You’re both acting like children.” She said calmly. That was obvious. Bucky knew he had made a mistake somehow, it desire to protect Tony from everything had backfired and now here he was.

 

“Yes, I know but he hasn’t been out in three days. He locked me out, I don’t know if he’s eating, if he’s sleeping.” Bucky said quickly, pushing the plate in her direction. “Please, just take this to him. It’s his favorite. Make sure he eats it, then come back and tell me how he is.”

 

“Just tell him yourself.” Natasha said, shaking her head. “You’re both adults, Stark can eat food on his own, you can tell him you’re madly in love with him, and then life moves on.”

 

Bucky blinked, pausing as her words fumbled through his head. He thought he had been hiding it pretty well. He didn’t even know until a few days ago when he watched Tony rush out of his living room, an ignored movie playing in the background and the phantom feel of Tony’s mouth on his. He had only just realized how hopelessly and frighteningly in love with Tony he was.

 

“I’m not.” He said firmly. Natasha raised an eyebrow. “I’m a killer, a monster. I can’t love anyone, let alone him.”

 

“Why? Because HYDRA broke you and forced you to kill Stark’s parents?” Natasha said calmly, easily mentioning something that shouldn’t ever be said aloud. Bucky took an instinctive step back. 

 

How could Natasha just say something like that? Every single person Bucky had ever killed flashed through his mind every night before he went to sleep. There were more and more each night as his memory was slowly repairing himself. Some of them were quick and methodical deaths, others were messy and sloppy, but they were all the same to him. He had killed all of them, seen the fear in every pair of eyes, and listened to each of their last words. And Tony, who was just a boy at the time, was orphaned and abandoned because two of the many people Bucky had hunted down and killed were his parents. Bucky did that, he had left Tony absolutely alone in the world, and now he had this constant reminder of what he did just a few floors above him in a locked workshop and no dinner.

 

“You can’t just say things like that.” He snapped. “I know what I did. I know exactly what happened. You can’t just point it out to me as if it was nothing!” Bucky took another step backwards, pulling the cooling plate of food closer to him, no longer trusting Natasha with it.

 

“It isn’t nothing, it’s a very big thing.” Natasha said, her voice still calm and steady. “It’s probably been eating you up for a long time. And now it all makes sense, why you’ve started taking care of Tony after just a few weeks of being in the tower. You’re looking for reprieve.”

 

Bucky turned around and walked away. He would find someone else, someone to take Tony his dinner and then report back. He couldn’t send Steve, Tony would know something was up then. Bruce wouldn’t want to get in the middle of whatever this was, Clint wouldn’t take it seriously enough, so that left Thor as the best option. Thor would be pleased to help, wouldn’t ask too many questions.

 

Natasha appeared beside him, matching his pace. “It’s rude to walk away from people in the middle of a conversation.”

 

“Oh, my apologies. I didn’t realize we were trying to be polite.” Bucky muttered venomously.

 

“Politeness isn’t really a skill of mine.” She said. Bucky was starting to hate how calm she always seemed to be. “You love him. You didn’t mean to but you did. I don’t know what you did to make him run. It was probably nothing, Stark tends to blow things out of proportion, but I’m guessing it’s related to your guilt.”

 

They had both stopped walking. Bucky was considering punching her in the face. He had fought her before, he knew he outmatched her. But she was also Steve’s friend, Tony’s friend, they were in Tony’s tower. Also, she was starting to make a strange sort of sense.

 

“Now, let me tell you something about Stark.” Natasha said, she sounded as calm as ever but Bucky noted the way her shoulders relaxed slightly. “Even if whatever you did was because of how you’re feeling, Stark is probably blaming himself. It’s what he does. He’ll come out of his lab soon and then act like everything is normal and dandy, but it won’t be.”

 

“So what do I do?” Bucky asked. “Tony locked me out.”

 

Natasha shrugged. “It wasn’t your fault. He cares about you. After SHIELD went down and slowly started to rebuild itself all of its secrets, including HYDRA’s, went onto the internet. Tony is well aware of what they made you do and it doesn’t seem to bother him at all.” She reached forward and grabbed onto the plate of food. Bucky let her, she wouldn’t do anything to it. She was Tony’s friend and Tony trusted his friends.

 

“Announce your presence before you get down there.” He called after her. “He gets jumpy when he thinks he’s alone and people just pop up. He’ll accidently hurt himself.”

 

He watched her walk down the hall and get into the elevator. The doors closed smoothly behind her and he watched as the numbers above the doors slowly rose to indicate that she had reached Tony’s workshop. Then they stopped. The numbers didn’t move, didn’t change, and that meant she was allowed access. Bucky sighed in relief. At least now Tony would eat.

 

The numbers didn’t change for a long time. Bucky stood in the hallway for almost half an hour waiting for them to move. They didn’t. That was probably a good sign, he hoped. It probably meant Tony was eating the pasta Bucky had made for him. Maybe they were talking too. Maybe Tony would come back soon and things would go back to the way it was.

 

He couldn’t keep watching, waiting for the numbers to change and for Natasha to come back and report on how Tony was. It could take hours. Instead he took the stairs up to Tony’s floor, Jarvis letting him in without hesitation. Even though Tony wasn’t there, hadn’t been for three days, Bucky still liked to sneak in and make sure it was safe. It probably wasn’t healthy, but it helped calm him.

 

Bucky started by checking all the windows, all of them were locked and close inspection outside told him that there were no hidden snipers in any of the surrounding buildings. He checked in the cabinets, under furniture, and in every nook and cranny in the suite, but it was the same as usual. No threats.

 

He lingered in the bedroom, frowning at the wrinkles in the sheets. Two people had laid there the last time the bed was used. Bucky had slept on the side closest to the door and Tony had been curled around him. He had woken up from a nightmare, memories really, of him running through dark alley ways trying to catch up to his target. It was just a teenage girl, the daughter of some member of parliament in a country Bucky couldn’t even remember the name of. He had killed her to stop her father from voting on a controversial bill. It simply looked like she had been attacked on her walk home, a random violent attack, and her grief stricken father had taken time off of work.

 

He hated dreams like that. He hated reliving the sensations of murdering dozens of people, as real and vivid as if they were actually happening. But he didn’t hate waking up quickly and feeling Tony’s breath against his neck. That was the point of them sharing a bed at night. It was never anything sexual, although Bucky sometimes wished it had been, it was about mutual comfort. Bucky would wake up and know exactly what was real because Tony would be by his side and Tony would calm quickly from one of his nightmares when Bucky would wrap his arms around him and whisper calmly in his ear.

 

It had been three days since they had shared that bed. Bucky wasn’t sleeping well.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

Bucky turned around quickly at the voice. Tony stood in the doorway, he was frowning slightly and had a soft crease between his eyebrows. It was awkward, Bucky didn’t know whether to run up to him and hold him close or to apologize and leave.

 

“I was just making sure you’re apartment’s safe.” Bucky said slowly.

 

The wrinkles between Tony’s eyebrows deepened. “Why?” Tony said. “Why do you keep doing stuff like this? No, nevermind. I don’t care.” He turned and walked away from the bedroom.

 

Bucky followed behind him quickly, taking in Tony’s ruffled appearance. He was pale, the dark circles under his eyes indicating that he hadn’t been sleeping and Bucky was willing to guess he hadn’t been eating either. It was a setback, months of work will have to be done over again, but he was simply happy to have Tony in front of him again.

 

“What are you doing here?” He asked as he followed Tony into his kitchen. He frowned when the man opened a cabinet and took out a half empty bottle of amber liquid but didn’t mention it.

 

“I live here.” Tony said. “Have been for a long time.”

 

“No, I mean what are you doing out of your workshop.” Bucky said slowly. He didn’t want to scare him away, but he had questions. “You’ve been locked in there for three days. I was about to send Thor in.”

 

Tony chuckled as he poured too much alcohol into a glass and raised it to his lips. “I’m glad you didn’t. Believe it or not, the ‘god of thunder’ has rather strange and annoying effect on all the sensitive equipment I have down there.” He said, taking a large sip. “Natasha came to talk to me about how I was acting like a child, with pasta I know you made.”

 

“She talked to me too. I was being an idiot.” Bucky said quickly. It was the truth. He had been an idiot. He had held Tony in his arms, the man had gone there willingly. Tony knew what he did, he knew of all the blood on his hands, he knew that Bucky was the monster that took his parents from him, and he had willingly climbed into his lap. It was all on the internet, politicians he had no connection to wanted his head and this man, the child of an old friend and victim of his actions, had accepted him without hesitation.

 

Tony nodded slowly. “I’m sorry. I don’t say that often so you better appreciate it.” He said. “I shouldn’t have invaded your space like that. I shouldn’t have taken such liberties with you. I should have asked. I just thought it was what you wanted. You’re always here, taking care of me, smiling at me, and I know you want something, everyone does. I just thought it was sex at first but clearly I’m wrong so please tell me what you want.”

 

Bucky was frozen in front of him. He didn’t know what to say. Tony thought he wanted sex from him, which wasn’t entirely false but wasn’t even close to being right.

 

“I didn’t start taking care of you because I want something from you. I did it because it felt natural. Steve told me that I used to take care of him when he wasn’t well, apparently I was good at it. Falling into the position of your caretaker was almost too easy.” Bucky said. He didn’t want to mention his self-appointed mission. It would be best not to mention Howard.

 

“So… this has all been therapeutically for you?” Tony said. He put his glass down and frowned up at Bucky. He looked slightly disappointed.

 

“I suppose. I definitely feel different than I did a year ago when SHIELD fell and I was on my own. Better. I also feel better than I did a few months ago and Steve found me and brought me back here.” Bucky said. He was calmer now, less worried and panicked. He had long stopped hiding his weapons in easily accessible places around the tower, he felt more in control of himself and less likely to drop everything the moment someone asked him to do something. “I think you may have had a small part in that.”

 

“So that’s what you wanted?” Tony said, closing his eyes with a sigh. “You wanted someone to take care of.”

 

Bucky figured this was his chance and took several small steps towards Tony. “I like taking care of you. I had spent decades doing nothing but killing, it’s nice to try to keep people alive instead.” He said. More importantly, it was Tony he was trying to keep alive and that meant the world to him. “I also kinda want to try that kiss again.”

 

Tony’s eyes snapped up to his, guarded and confused. “But you didn’t like it last time. Which is strange because I’m a great kisser.”

 

“Yes, you are. You just caught me by surprise and I didn’t think I had any right to touch you like that.” Bucky muttered. He took those final few steps until he was standing in front of Tony, just inches away from him. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m a little bit broken and dangerous. I’ve done bad things.”

 

“You’re an idiot.” Tony whispered. His hand shot out and curled around the back of Bucky’s head, his fingers brushing through his hair. There was a short moment where Tony stared into his eyes, judging his reactions, before pulling him down.

 

The kiss wasn’t like the one before. It was light, cautious. But his lips were the same. They were slightly dry and chapped, Tony probably didn’t drink enough water these past few days, but they were still comfortable and perfect against his mouth. Tony knew what he was doing when he slightly parted his lips and his tongue shot out. He knew who he was kissing when his eyes slid closed and Bucky opened his mouth as well. Tony was well aware of what he was doing and with who he was with. Bucky was a monster and a killer and that didn’t seem to bother Tony at all.

 

It was actually a bit worrying, because if Tony accepted him then who knows what kind of dangerous people with nefarious plans he willingly allowed close to him. Bucky’s arms wrapped around Tony’s waste and pulled him against his chest. He was trusting him too much. Tony was an idiot, but a kind, beautiful, gentle, and amazing idiot and if he felt like Bucky was worthy of his affections then maybe he was worthy of forgiveness after all.

 

Tony pulled away slightly. “I missed you.” He whispered. “I couldn’t sleep without you to hold me. I have literally been working nonstop for three days. I’ve been living off of stale doritos and applesauce. If you need someone to take care of then you picked the right guy because I’m a mess.”

 

“I love you.” Bucky whispered back, his head dipping down to leave a trail of soft kisses to Tony’s jaw. 

 

Tony froze, for no more than half a second, but Bucky felt it. “Well then…” He said slowly. Bucky was about to pull away again. He had gone too far. He needed Tony to feel happy and comfortable, preferably with him because he didn’t care what he was anymore, if Tony wanted him here then he would be here and Tony’s happiness and comfort had quickly made its way onto Bucky’s list. “You’re in trouble there. I’m not a very considerate guy.”

 

That was a lie. Tony had accepted him into his home, knowing full well what he did, and gave him everything. Everyone knew what Bucky had done the moment Natasha released it all onto the internet, and not a single Avenger was hostile towards him. They were all accepting. And Tony was perfect and generous and took care of Bucky just as much as Bucky took care of him.

 

“I’ll do anything for you. If you want me gone, I’m gone. If you want me to stay I’ll do that happily. I just need you to be alive.” Bucky said, smiling down at the shorter man in front of him. He leaned forward slightly and cherished the way Tony was just the perfect height for the top of his head to slot right under Bucky’s chin.

 

“Oh man, you got it bad.” Tony whispered. Bucky nodded. “I would prefer you stay. Just don’t sneak onto my floor anymore to check for bombs.”

 

“No promises.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was nice, right? More next. Maybe some more kissing, maybe a bit more, who knows.  
> It's not fixed though yet. Bucky and Tony still need to work things out and figure out what they want and what they feel.  
> Thank you.


	7. Step Seven, Pleasure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter caused me so much stress but I hope you like it because all things considered I think it came out great.  
> Reader discretion advised, it's in the tags so you've probably been expecting it.

Tony kissed slow, his beard scratched at Bucky’s face and his hands wandered up and down his arms, unconcerned with the cool metal of one and the warm skin of the other. Bucky felt like his nerves were on fire, sensations were shooting through his body at every point of contact. He didn’t move, didn’t touch, didn’t pull away. He simply let Tony run his gentle hands over him and decide how things should go. His heart picked up quickly when Tony took a step closer, pressing himself fully against Bucky’s front.

 

Those gentle, clever hands abandoned his arms and started wrapping around the back of his neck and across his shoulders. Tony’s mouth slid off of his and trailed along his jaw, leaving quicky and messy kisses along the way.

 

“What do you want?” Tony whispered into his ear. “Tell me what you want. You can ask for anything and I’ll give it to you.”

 

Bucky’s mind was drawing a blank. He wanted everything and nothing and just as long as Tony was still happy and content with continuing to touch him he would be perfectly happy, but it also didn’t feel like enough. He raised his hands slowly and delicately let them fall to Tony’s hips. It was taken as encouragement. Tony didn’t pull away like Bucky still expected him to, disgusted with him for touching him with the very hands he used to take away so much life. Tony just leaned in closer, which should have been impossible since their bodies were already pressed together, and started gently kissing Bucky’s neck.

 

“You have to tell me.” Tony said softly. “We can’t do anything until you tell me what you want.”

 

“I want…” Bucky whispered. He didn’t know how to put it into words. Intense feelings were bursting from his chest and he couldn’t make sense of them all. He wanted Tony alive and healthy. He wanted Tony sweaty and breathless beneath him. He wanted Tony warm and content, curled up in his arms for the night. He wanted Tony. “You.”

 

Tony chuckled. “Everyone does. I’m quite the commodity.” He said, his voice low and husky. “Be more specific.”

 

Bucky inhaled sharply as Tony’s head ducked back down to suck at the exposed skin around his collar, running his tongue over the area as he went. Tony’s fingers dug into the skin around his shoulders, firm but also gentle. Bucky could feel Tony’s hips shifting slightly under his hands and then it all became clear. All the thoughts that had been rushing through his head since the moment Steve had brought him back to the tower had gone silent. There were no more screams for him to protect Tony, to feed him and care for him. There was just a single idea that Tony cared about him too, would let him do whatever he wished at this moment. It was thrilling and terrifying, Tony was trusting him.

 

Bucky knew what he wanted. He wanted to give Tony everything he had, everything he could offer this man. If Tony could accept him, still touch him and kiss him after he saw Bucky for who he truly was then he would be willing to take that final step.

 

He pulled back, using his hands on Tony’s hips to extract the man from where he was pressed up against him and sucking marks into his neck. Tony blinked at him, confused, before a wave of panic rushed over his features and he started to try to slip out from under Bucky’s hands.

 

“I’m sorry.” Tony said quickly. “I just keep getting ahead of myself. I mean, of course you don’t want this. I’m an idiot, I should have known. You didn’t like me kissing you last time and here I am trying to wrap myself around you like a fucking octopus. I’m sorry. I’ll jus-”

 

“Hey, it’s okay. I was loving it, doll.” Bucky said quickly, cutting off Tony’s ramblings before he could make an excuse to run away again. “You’re one hell of a kisser. I just want to make sure you’re okay with this.”

 

Tony nodded. “Of course I’m okay with it. We’re making up, getting over our kinda fight and falling back into each other’s arms. It’s super romantic.” He said. Tony was still confused, his head tipping lightly to the side and his fingers were tapping a wild beat onto Bucky’s shoulders. “Do you want to stop?”

 

“No. I just want to tell you something.” Bucky said slowly. Tony tensed up more, preparing himself for whatever blow he was expecting. It broke Bucky’s heart, whatever Tony thought he was going to say must have been dreadful and he wanted to do nothing more but dispel those thoughts from his head. But he had to say this first. “I’m a monster, Tony. I’m a killer and a liar and here you are in my arms and I know I’m strong enough to snap you in two without even trying.”

 

“Are you saying you want to kill me?” Tony asked slowly, his face displayed a smug grin that somehow looked both relaxed and forced at the same time. “Don’t worry about it, half of New York probably feels the same.”

 

Bucky gaped at him, shaking his head. “What? No!” He said. How could Tony ever think Bucky would want to kill him? Just the thought of ever wanting to hurt Tony almost made him sick. “I love you. I love you and it feels so special and so pure that it terrifies me. I have killed countless people, a lot of them good, innocent people and I killed them like an animal with my bare hands. I’m a monster and I don’t deserve to love you.”

 

Everything was still. Tony didn’t move and Bucky felt like he couldn’t breathe. Tony had to understand. He had to know how tainted and unclean he was and how he would ruin Tony. Tony had to realize how dirty and bloody Bucky’s hands were and why he should be disgusted that he was touching him.

 

But Tony didn’t do that. He didn’t pull away in contempt, he leaned back towards Bucky. Tony buried his face into Bucky’s chest and wrapped his arms around his back, rubbing soothing circles into his tense muscles.

 

“You’re an idiot, Barnes.” Tony muttered softly. “And here I thought I was the problem.”

 

“What?” Bucky asked.

 

“Well, you did kiss me first. It was great, exciting. I figured it was finally happening because of course you were into me. You bring me food every day and there stare at me with this giddy, dazed expression on your face.” Tony said. He pulled back slightly to look up at Bucky and give him a toothy grin. “Which is great because I’m pretty into you too. So we’re kissing and I’m having a great time and then you just jerk back and your hands go flying off as if you’re trying to get away and I thought it was me. I wasn’t what you wanted.”

 

“You’re an idiot, Stark.” Bucky said, he ducked his head down and placed a gentle kiss to Tony’s lips. “You should run from me though. I’m not… good.”

 

“I’m going to stop you there.” Tony said. His hand went up to curl into the hair at the back of Bucky’s head and pulled him down to deepen the kiss.

 

The heat was returning, his body responding to the feel of Tony returning to his place pressed up against him, and Tony was there and enthusiastic as his tongue shot out to lick at Bucky’s lower lip. Bucky was so damn happy he couldn’t help himself from reaching down and grabbing at Tony’s thighs to hoist him up into his arms, Tony wrapped his legs around his waist with a pleased grunt.

 

He had told Tony why he should leave, why Bucky wasn’t good for him. He had told Tony exactly what he needed to so he could understand the full weight of what he was getting into and he chose to stay. Tony was willing to let Bucky close to him, to touch him, to love him. Tony was going to let Bucky love him even though he had full knowledge of what a monster he was.

 

“Bedroom?” Tony whispered, not taking his mouth off of Bucky’s.

 

Bucky hummed in agreement and turned around so he could carry Tony towards the room. He sucked at Tony’s bottom lip and ran his tongue over the soft, slightly chapped skin. It was amazing, his whole body coming alive at the sweet taste of Tony’s lips.

 

The bedroom door was already open, the lights were low, and he walked mindlessly towards the direction of the bed. He didn’t want to drop Tony down onto the sheets, he wanted to just keep on holding him close. Instead Bucky crawled up onto the bed first, slowly placing his knees onto the mattress and then lowering Tony down, their bodies never breaking contact. Tony’s hands were everywhere, gripping at his shoulders, running up his back and arms, and yanking at his clothes.

 

“If you’re not going to take these off then this is going to be significantly less fun.” Tony mumbled, pulling at Bucky’s shirt. “But if you want to keep it on then it’s all fine. We can manage.”

 

Bucky huffed as he pulled away to tear off his t-shirt. Once it was off he reached down for Tony, smiling as the man sat up slightly to help him remove his shirt. They were both bare chested now and when Bucky dove back down to press their bodies together it lit a fire in the pit of his stomach to feel Tony’s warm, smooth skin pressed against his own. He couldn’t help but kiss him, run his tongue over the sweaty, bare skin. Tony moaned softly above him, his hand curling into his hair as Bucky placed a single, gentle kiss to the mess of scars where the arc reactor once was.

 

He could feel how hard Tony was through his jeans, their bodies still pressed together tightly. Tony could probably feel him too, his body was stirring, preparing for the physical intimacy that Bucky hadn’t felt in a very long time.

 

“What do you want?” Bucky asked, his voice rough. It felt odd saying that question after hearing Tony ask him so many times.

 

“I want…” Tony breathed out slowly. “I want to get out of these damn jeans, you to take off your pants, and then I want to touch you.”

 

Bucky nodded, jumping up from the bed and unbuttoning his jeans. They fell to the floor and he quickly stepped out of them. As he reached to grab hold of Tony’s pants he realized what they were doing. What they were about to do. After so many years of being a weapon, a ruthless killer, of his wants and desires being completely nonexistent, his arousal was burning passionately for someone who knew exactly what he had done but was willing to do this with him anyway. He was far gentler at removing Tony’s jeans, he didn’t yank them off but slid them down his legs slowly.

 

It took only a few seconds for them both to rid themselves of their underwear. Then there was a short awkward moment where they just looked at each other. Tony was just like Bucky dreamed he would be, sweating and gasping and completely naked and beautiful sprawled out on his bed. Bucky felt so inferior, ugly mutilated skin wrapped around his shoulder where the metal met flesh, his body was littered in small scars that marked how eventful the past seventy years had been. He was tempted to just turn around and leave.

 

Tony smiled at him, reaching out with grabby hands. Bucky relaxed, Tony wanted this, wanted him. He crawled back up the bed and settled himself against Tony’s chest and between his spread legs, almost overloaded with the sweet sensations of Tony’s warm skin rubbing against his own. It was amazing, every amount of feeling in his body screaming at him to touch every bit of him, to savor skin on skin contact while it lasted.

 

“I love you.” Bucky whispered. He ran his mouth over every inch of Tony’s chest, neck, and face, kissing often and occasionally, when he felt Tony shiver and heard a pleased moan at a particular spot, stopping to suck a bruise into the sensitive skin. “I love you so damn much, baby.”

 

Tony inhaled sharply as he spoke, nodding quickly. “So you’ve said.” He said, his breath coming in desperate gasps.

 

When Tony said he wanted to touch him, he honestly didn’t expect the hands to be literally everywhere, running up and down his back and arms, circling his shoulders and down his chest. Tony even touched his face, he ran delicate fingers with feather light touches over Bucky’s eyes and lips as he memorized each crease and line. Then Tony bucked up, rubbing their hips against each other and Bucky moaned loudly. Bucky dove back down, his mouth attaching itself to the skin just under Tony’s ear and sucking and licking at the soft skin there.

 

Tony kept one hand on Bucky’s face and rubbed his knuckles against his cheekbones as the other hand roamed down his chest, brushing over his pecks and abs, before stopping at his bellybutton.

 

“May I?” Tony asked. He sounded so needy that Bucky pulled back to look at him. It was better than he had ever imagined it would be, having Tony squirming under him, a sweaty, flushed, and desperate mess that was a thing of beauty. If he wasn’t already in love then he would definitely be by now.

 

He nodded quickly. “Yes.” He said.

 

Tony smiled and let his hand trail the rest of the way down. That first contact, where Tony laid his palm flat against Bucky, offering the smallest bit of friction, was mind blowing. Tony was touching him with the intent to get him off, to make him feel good. His face dove back down to the spot just under his ear and continued sucking at the already red skin. He wanted to leave a mark there, too high up to be covered with a shirt. Bucky wanted people to know. The fact that Tony withered and moaned at the attention he was getting in that spot was an added bonus.

 

“You’re amazing.” Tony whispered as he took them both into his hand. “Beautiful and fantastic and amazing and oh my god.”

 

There it was, blissful friction and Tony moved his hand along both of them, his slender fingers rubbing against the skin and the slightest twist of his wrist nearly making Bucky fall apart right there. Bucky couldn’t think anymore, his whole existence was turning into a nothing but the feeling of Tony against him. He needed more, he needed to feel more of Tony. Bucky grabbed onto his leg and pulled it over his hip.

 

He bucked slightly. “I love you.” He whispered again. He needed to say it over and over so Tony would know. “I love you. Love you love you love you lo-“

 

Tony yanked one last time before his eyes snapped shut and he was spilling himself across his stomach, Bucky’s name on his lips. The blissed out look on his face and the way Tony whispered his name was enough to push Bucky over the edge as well.

 

It was a rush of overwhelming feeling and pleasure and Bucky had to just ride it out. When he came back to himself he was lying half on top of Tony, the top of his head just under Tony’s chin and one leg thrown across his hips and the other wrapped around Tony’s calfs. It was comfortable, warm, and he never wanted to leave. Tony was rubbing small circles into his back with a dopey grin on his face.

 

Bucky finally realized he was talking, whispering promises into Tony’s chest. “I love you. I’m gonna protect you, keep you safe.” Soft assurances of love and care mumbled quietly over and over and Bucky almost couldn’t stop himself.

 

He buried his face into the heat of Tony’s chest, the steady rise and fall of each of his breaths almost enough to lull him to sleep.

 

“We should clean up.” Tony said. He made no effort to move or get up, just stayed right where he was, lying under Bucky and rubbing his back. Bucky shook his head and kept his face pressed into Tony’s warm skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was the first time I ever wrote anything actually smutty. Be gentle, but honest. Was it good? I hope so.  
> Comment and tell me what you thought! I love you guys forever.


	8. Step Eight, Safety

Bucky woke up first. He was still half sprawled over Tony, their naked bodies pressed together tightly. He was completely still the first few minutes, content to just feel the heat of Tony’s body against his and the gentle up and down of his breathing. Bucky barely moved his head at all to look up at him, he didn’t want to wake him but he also wanted to see him.

 

Tony was beautiful. He was sound asleep, his skin flushed a light pink color, and his arms wrapped loosely around Bucky’s waist. Tony needed sleep, the past few days where Tony had been locked away and Bucky had been silently waiting for him to come out had been hell on the both of them. Tony looked exhausted, run down, and nervous. Bucky was just thankful to be able to hold him close again, to tell him he loved him and to be allowed to love him after everything he had done.

 

Deep bruises littered his chest and neck, all of them Bucky’s handiwork and it was such a sight that he was half tempted to run his mouth over them all over again. He wanted to make sure those marks stay there forever, to let everyone know that Tony had accepted him and that Tony was his.

 

He scooted up slowly, and laid a gentle kiss to Tony’s parted lips. He felt a soft exhale as Tony’s face scrunched up slightly. Bucky just continued to kiss him, sucking on his lower lip until Tony’s eyes fluttered open.

 

“Morning, doll.” Bucky whispered.

 

Tony smiled, his eyes still droopy and his whole body relaxed under Bucky’s. “I love it when you call me those cute little names. Makes me feel like the luckiest fella in all of New York.”

 

“Well, you’re my only fella. That makes you pretty damn lucky, love.” Bucky said as his head dove back down to slip his tongue into Tony’s mouth.

 

“Hmm, is that so?” Tony muttered against his mouth. “I’m the lucky one?”

 

“Yep.” Bucky said. His body shivered as he felt Tony’s hands run up his sides.

 

“Alright, I can admit that.” Tony said. He wrapped his arms more securely around Bucky’s shoulders to pull him closer.

 

Then the alarm went off. After months of not a single attack it was odd to hear it go off out of nowhere like that. It was loud, brash and Bucky flinched at it. Tony started pushing his shoulders away, rushing to get up and get dressed. Wanting one last kiss, Bucky grabbed onto Tony’s arm and pulled him down before letting him rush off to the closet.

 

This would be the first actual mission since Bucky had been cleared for active duty. He wasn’t entirely sure what to do. He knew where his uniform was, where his weapons were, so he threw on his pants and made a run for his locker that was a few floors down. His first mission as part of the team, he was going to make it good.

 

The whole team met on the quinjet, ready and antsy about what was to come. A few months of nothing had put them on edge. They were all twiddling their weapons impatiently. The sooner they touched down and were able to release their excess energy the better.

 

“Alright, we got an army of robots attacking Chicago.” Cap said as the plane took off. “Unknown origin, unknown purpose. What we do know is that they’re attacking people, so we have to stop them. Stark and Thor, you guys take to the air, secure a perimeter and keep them from getting to the rest of the city. Bucky, Hawkeye, I want you two on the rooftops looking for patterns and watching our backs. Bruce, Widow, and I will be at the center, keeping the fight to us and taking out as many as we can until back up arrives.”

 

Bucky nodded. It was a solid plan. He looked over to Tony, who sat in his suit with his helmet in his hands. He looked focused, determined, not at all like the dopey, sexed out man he had woken up with. Tony looked up at him and smiled.

 

He and Barton were dropped on two separate rooftops. If he tried to pay attention he could see the telltale red and gold flying by across the city, but right now he had to focus on his job. The robots were definitely moving in a pattern, they moved in a group of five and drifted towards moving objects. All of this was fine, seeing as the only moving objects around to catch their attention since the area had been evacuated were the Hulk, Steve, and Natasha and they were all handling themselves just fine. His main job was to make sure too man robots didn’t attack them at once.

 

A flash of lightning shot across the sky half a mile away, Thor was swinging his hammer as several of the robots started to take flight. He shot electricity at them, laughing as they fell from the sky. Bucky immediately looked out over to where Tony was flying. He was firing his repulsors at each robot close to him. There were too many, Bucky could tell.

 

He swung his sniper in that direction. He could take out a few of them, but they were latching on to Tony’s armor. Tony would have to shake them off.

 

Bucky didn’t see the robots climbing the sides of the building. He didn’t notice the ones that stopped right next to him and started beeping until Clint was shouting into the comm in his ear. 

 

“Tony!” Bucky shouted. He kicked his robots off the side of the building, but one latched on to his leg, its metal fingers digging into his flesh. “I’m not 100% sure what the beeping means but I think it means these things are going to blow.”

 

Tony had to get those bots off of him before they exploded. Bucky started beating at the one attached to his leg furiously. It was a trap, it had to be a trap because these things weren’t planning on blowing up until they arrived. Once the robot was a mess of dented metal and wires he was able to kick it off and sent it tumbling down the side of the building. He heard it explode before it hit the ground, large flames engulfing the side of the building. All the other robots went off too, flames and loud booms engulfing the area. He didn’t know where Steve was, if he, Natasha, and Bruce were still down in the center of the fighting. He couldn’t see Tony flying around anywhere.

 

He dropped to his knees, his eyes squinting through the smoke as he desperately looked for anyone. Bucky needed to find them, they had to be okay. There was nothing but silence over the comms.

 

Then two red flashes flew up the side of the building. Tony and Thor dropped down a few feet from him with Steve, Natasha, and Clint clinging to them. He could hear the Hulk roaring down on the ground, beating at the singed, destroyed robots. They were all covered in soot, blackened from being a bit too close to the explosions but otherwise okay.

 

“You alright, Buck?” Steve asked as he was set down on the roof. Bucky nodded as he limped over to them quickly, his leg starting to sting as it bled slowly. “I think someone set us up.”

 

“You’re damn right about that.” He said calmly. 

 

He marched up to the Iron Man armor and tapped on the helmet until the faceplate slid up. Tony was there, a bit sweaty, his armor looked a bit worse for wear, but Tony was alive and just fine inside. Bucky quickly grabbed onto the sides of the helmet and pulled him down harshly, slotting their mouths together.

 

Tony reciprocated instantly, his eyes sliding shut and his mouth falling open for him. There was a loud whistle off to the side that Bucky paid no attention to, but Tony pulled back slightly to stick his tongue out to the rest of the team. Clint had his fingers in his mouth, about ready to whistle again, and Natasha was passing a handful of cash in Steve’s direction with an annoyed expression. Thor just smiled.

 

He pulled Tony’s face back to his as he gripped desperately onto the armor. As far as first missions go, this could have gone a lot better but it also could have been worse. Everyone was alive, Tony was in his arms, and they were all safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more chapters left. Thank you for sticking around this long. I hope you enjoy the rest of the story and liked this chapter as well.  
> [Also, on tumblr I started a winteriron network. If you enjoy the Bucky/Tony ship and would like to join feel free to click here and apply.](http://themaximovs.tumblr.com/post/118981029760/themaximovs-i-adore-winteriron-and-ship)


	9. Step Nine, Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're nearing the end. Just one more chapter to go. It's also 3 am so excuse my exhausted chapter updating. I can't sleep.

Tony became engrossed with finding the person who set them up, who tried to kill them all.  He stopped eating again, he refused to sleep until every last one of his computer programs that were trying to trace the origin of the robots.  He would not stop working when Bucky brought him meals, or when he pushed glasses of water to him, or when he tried to tell him he should sleep or relax because working himself to the point of exhaustion wouldn’t be good for anyone.

 

 

He only ever stopped when Bucky would wrap his arms around his waist and kiss his neck until he came up to bed.  Then he was putty in his hands, panting and breathing as he let Bucky have every bit of him.  After he would be worn out and tired enough to get a few short hours of sleep before sneaking back down to his workshop.  It all terrified Bucky.

 

 

“Let’s go get dinner.”  He said, walking into Tony’s workshop.

 

 

“Can’t.”  Tony said simply, he was tapping away on a tablet in his hands as he watched a large machine scan the scorched remains of robot lying across one of the tables.  “I’m busy.”

 

 

Bucky sighed, reaching up to run his hand through his hair.  “I’m sure you can take an hour break to have dinner with me.  I’ll make anything you want.”

 

 

“I’m not hungry.”  Tony said, he still hadn’t glanced up and his voice was dull and flat, not at all like the energetic or passionate man Bucky had come to know.

 

 

“You haven’t eaten in at least 72 hours, you’re probably dehydrated because I’ve only seen you drink six glasses of water in that time, and you’re so exhausted you look like you’re about to collapse at any moment.”  Bucky said quickly and loud enough to catch Tony’s attention.  When Tony looked up at him Bucky was heartbroken, he looked so tired and run down that if anyone were to touch him he might fall apart completely.  “Just dinner and then you can come finish your work.”

 

 

“Just dinner?”  Tony asked slowly.  Bucky nodded.  “That’s what you want?”

 

 

Bucky nodded again and walked up to Tony, gently placing his hands on his shoulders and easing him away from the half destroyed robot and towards the elevator.  Tony didn’t fight when Bucky put him in the elevator and led him to the kitchen, finally dropping him in a stool and going to the fridge.  Tony didn’t comment on what he was hungry for and didn’t make any requests, he simply stared blankly at Bucky as he went around the kitchen.  When Bucky put a glass of water on the kitchen island in front of him, Tony drank it.

 

 

“You’re strange man, Sergeant Barnes.”  Tony muttered between sips, watching as Bucky pulled the bread out of the cabinet.  “I can never figure out what you want.”

 

 

“Just dinner, love.”  Bucky said slowly.

 

 

Natasha had leftover crab salad in the fridge and certainly she wouldn’t be upset about them eating it once he explained in the morning.  He grabbed it and started spreading some on slices of wheat bread and made a couple sandwiches for both of them.  It wouldn’t be very filling, but it would hold them off until Bucky actually made something for dinner.

 

 

“You don’t have to call me that.”  Tony said softly, a slight blush to his cheeks.

 

 

Bucky frowned at him.  “I like calling you love.  I love you.”

 

 

Tony sighed and shook his head.  He was blinking slowly and seemed like he was barely awake, but determined to say whatever was on his mind.  “No, you don’t have to keep saying that.  I’ll be fine if you’re honest.”

 

 

“I am being honest.”  Bucky abandoned the sandwiches and went over to lean across the island.  Tony didn’t pull away when he started running his shiny metal fingers through Tony’s dirty and tangled locks, but his face did pinch up slightly when he leaned in to give him a kiss.  Something wasn’t right.  “I love you, Tony.  You’re my fella.”

 

 

“I love the petnames, I really do, but you don’t have to keep saying these things for me to put out.”  Tony said with a defeated sigh.

 

 

Bucky backed up, his hand jerking away from Tony.  “You think I say those things just to have sex with you?”  He said loudly, almost shouting.  It was ridiculous.  How could Tony actually believe that he would do something like that?  That he would lie simply to get him into bed?  “Has someone else done something like that?”

 

 

Tony seemed confused by the question, his eyebrows furrowed slightly and he shrugged.  “Well, yeah.  Pretty much everyone I’ve ever been intimate with.  With the exception of this lovely young man I was seeing when I was seventeen and Pepper.”

 

 

A wave of fury washed over him.  He wasn’t mad that Tony thought that of him, he would probably have been offended if things were different, if he was still that dumb kid from Brooklyn who didn’t know any better, but now he’s a killer and a liar and in love with Tony Stark and what he was saying was breaking his heart.  People had hurt him, used him, so many times that he had grown accustomed to it and expected it and didn’t even think it was wrong.

 

 

“Tony, I’m not calling you cute names and telling you that I love you because I want to sleep with you.”  Bucky said slowly, smiling softly as Tony’s eyes met his.  “I do those things because I really do love you.”

 

 

“So, is it the other stuff?  All the food and babying?”  Tony asked, deep wrinkles settling in his forehead as he thought.  “When I was sick those few days and you took care of me?”

 

 

“No, doll.”  Bucky said.  He reached forward slowly to cup Tony’s cheek.  “I do all that because I want you to be okay.  I wouldn’t do anything just to trick you into sleeping with me, if people do that then I want their names and addresses because that’s some fucked up stuff.”

 

 

“Then what do you want?”  Tony said quickly.  “This is what I’m talking about, I never have any idea what you want from me and you say it’s not sex so what?”

 

 

“I don’t want anything from you.”

 

 

“Everyone wants something, Buck.”  Tony said.  He reached up and grabbed Bucky’s hand off of his cheek, holding it in his own.  “It’s fine.  You can tell me.”

 

 

“I want you to be happy and healthy.”  Bucky said.

 

 

“But why?”  Tony whispered, his eyes growing gradually droopier.

 

 

Bucky shrugged, his mind racing on whether or not to tell the truth.  Tony seemed upset, distraught, and too tired to be able to handle anything if he thought Bucky was lying.  “Because of Howard.”  He said quickly before he could change his mind.  Tony jerked back, both confusion and disgust written clearly on his face.  “Not because of anything weird.  Well, not gross weird, just a ‘you’re sleeping with a monster’ weird.”

 

 

“You’re not-“  Tony sighed, burying his face in his hands.  “You’re not a monster.”

 

 

“I am.  I killed them.  You’re parents, you were just a kid at the time and I orphaned you.  I didn’t even care at the time, it was just another mission for me.”  Bucky said.  Now that the words were out he couldn’t find the strength or the desire to stop them.  “He was my friend, I knew him.  We would go out drinking together with the rest of the guys and talk about how attractive some of the French dames were and then I just killed him without a second thought.  I can’t take that back Tony.  I can’t make it right.  But I can take care of you now, if you’ll have me.”

 

 

Tony was staring at the plate of sandwiches on the counter, his gaze unfocused.  “Because of Howard?”  He muttered softly.

 

 

“At first it was just that, I felt like I owed it to you.  An apology for taking your family away.”  He said slowly.  He reached forward to take Tony’s hand back in his, smiling as the man didn’t pull away and instead gripped on his hand as well.  “Then I sorta fell in love with you.”

 

 

“Yeah?”  Tony said. He finally looked back at Bucky and smiled.

 

 

“Yeah.  Of course, love.”  Bucky said.  He reached forward and ran his thumb over Tony’s cheekbone.  “Are you mad?  About any of it?”

 

 

Tony shook his head.  “Nah.  I already knew about Howard and I was never really mad about that.  I understand what it’s like to be used by bad people.  And I guess it’s kind of a relief to know you’re not in this just for all the amazing sex we have.”

 

 

“It _is_ pretty good sex.”  Bucky said.  He backed up and grabbed the plate of sandwiches, placing them on the table in front of Tony, who grabbed one and ate it without hesitation.  “But it’s mostly for the charming company.  But I have to ask, are you only with me because you feel like you owe me?”

 

 

Tony shook his head.  “Nah, amazing sex.”  He said, grinning shyly.  He pulled Bucky forward and kissed him gently.

 

 

“Good to know I still got it.”  Bucky whispered, smiling into the kiss.  “Now eat, you’re starving.  Then you’re going to bed.  You’re hardly awake.”

 

 

“I still have to get back to work though.  This is good.”  Tony said, nodding down to the half-eaten sandwich in his hands.  He cleared his throat and reached for his water.  “What is it?  I don’t think I’ve had it before.”

 

 

“It’s Nat’s, but I’ll talk to her about it so no worries.”  Bucky said.  He turned back to the fridge to find something else to make as Tony cleared his throat again.  “It’s her crab salad, definitely delicious.”

 

 

“Crab?”  Tony huffed out, his voice slightly raspy.

 

 

“Yeah.”  Bucky said, turning around quickly.  “Why?”

 

 

Tony didn’t answer, his face going red and his lips swollen.  Bucky was by his side in seconds, begging to know what was wrong and what he could do to help.

 

 

“Sir has a severe shellfish allergy.”  Jarvis said over the intercom quickly.  “He has an Epipen in the drawer on the far left.  An ambulance is already on the way.”

 

 

“Shit.”  Bucky said quickly, rushing to the drawer to get what was needed.  “I’m sorry, Baby.  I didn’t know.”

 

 

There were instructions printed on the side of the Epipen, he did exactly what it told him to do and then held Tony until the ambulance arrived, whispering quiet apologies in his ear and kissing his sweaty forehead.  Tony refused to let go of his hand when the paramedics came to get him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise allergy attack. I'm terrible.


	10. Step Ten, Love

“How’s the baby?”  Clint asked from the doorway, holding a large stuffed animal.

 

 

Bucky smiled, glancing at him before turning back to Tony.  “He’s asleep.  Which is good, the doctors are telling me he’s exhausted and was just a few hours away from hallucinating.  That would have been weird.”  He said calmly.  Tony looked almost exactly like he normally did when he slept, except he never slept on his back and never around hospital equipment so the difference was clear.  Usually when he slept he would press his face against something soft and warm, sometimes with only the soft pink of his cheeks still visible.  “I wonder what his mind would have created for him.”

 

 

“Either a technological wonderland of a hallucination or something terrifying that I don’t want him to have to experience.”  Clint said calmly.

 

 

Bucky reached forward and brushed the hair off of Tony’s forehead.  Clint was right, he had read Tony’s file.  There were a lot of dark things in the past the he didn’t doubt his mind would drag up if it was given the chance.  Bucky had woken up with a lot of shivering, terrified, gasping in fear from Tony to know just how horrible it was when those dark things came rushing back to him.  If Tony was awake for too long and he started seeing them without sleeping Bucky didn’t know how he could get rid of it all.  Tony needed to sleep more.  Bucky helped fix this problem before and he could do it again.

 

 

“I’m worried.”  Bucky said quickly.  “Once he’s discharged he’s going to go straight back to that lab and work himself to death until he finds who wants us dead.”

 

 

Clint frowned.  “We already found him.”  He said calmly.  Bucky looked up, curious and angry and confused all at once.  “Yep.  Tony’s little machine told us where he was after it was done scanning whatever and we made the arrest.  It wasn’t even much of a fight.  He’s in the helicarrier now.”

 

 

“Just like that?  No battle?”  Bucky asked.  Clint shook his head.  Something wasn’t right.  He had only been on the one mission but he had seen the aftermath of the dozens there were before he was cleared for duty and he had read countless files.  “You know something’s up, right?”

 

 

“Oh, definitely.”  Clint said calmly.  “Totally a trap.  Guys don’t just build killer robots to lure us into a city, latch on to us so they can blow us to pieces, and then be the world’s easiest prisoner.”

 

 

None of this felt right to Bucky.  Something was definitely going to happen and the last thing he wanted was for some vengeful robot building asshole to try to kill them while Tony was fast asleep in the hospital because he went into anaphylactic shock because Bucky fed him crab.  Tony was an easy target.

 

 

“We got it handled though.  Everyone is on high alert, just in case.”  Clint said.  He sat down in one of the spare chairs in the corner and glanced slowly around the room.  His sharp eyes must not have caught anything suspicious because he simply nodded.  “Anyway, Rhodes and I have come to help you guard the baby.”

 

 

“He’s not a baby.”  Rhodey said, appearing in the doorway.  He was still in his uniform, crumpled and in disarray, and he looked exhausted and slightly annoyed, but when he glanced over to Tony a fond smile spread across his face.  “He’s perfectly capable of taking care of himself.  Just his way of taking care of himself is a bit different than everyone else’s.”

 

 

Everything settled about the room, Tony’s steady breathing calmed them all as they waited for the inevitable attack that had yet to happen.  Tony was starting to look more rested as the hours passed, the circles under his eyes faded slowly and all the color returned to his face.  He didn’t look as flushed now, or pale, or half dead.

 

 

“I didn’t know he had allergies.”  Bucky muttered apologetically.  Rhodey just hummed.  “It’s funny.  Not a happy kind of funny, but when I first made him something to eat, he wasn’t eating enough and that didn’t sit right with me, I asked Steve if he had any allergies.  I should have probably asked him.”

 

 

Clint chuckled.  “And, you know, not eat Nat’s food.”

 

 

Bucky shrugged.  He would have apologized for stealing Natasha’s crab salad but it didn’t seem like an issue.  It’s still a non-issue because Natasha had already made more from what he’s heard. 

 

 

Rhodey leaned back in his chair.  “Tony doesn’t talk about this stuff.  If he has to go to the hospital the doctors get medical alerts from Jarvis about his allergies and medical conditions but other than that he doesn’t really mention these things.”  Bucky sighed, relieved.  He didn’t want to bring it up but if no one knew about any medical issues Tony had it could create way more serious problems for his healthcare.  At least there was a plan in place to let the important people know.  “Tony loves you.  He talks about you all the time, nothing but good things.  ‘Bucky made this for dinner’ or ‘Bucky called me doll today’ and all this other stuff.  You make him happy.”

 

 

Things seemed to have shifted completely in that moment.  A warmth settled over Bucky, he felt lighter and happier with the knowledge that not only did Tony enjoy all the little things he had done for him, calling up his best friend to talk about it, but Rhodey had also said that Tony loved him.  Bucky loved Tony, had told him every day, every chance he got, and every time they fell into bed together, when Tony would run his hands all over Bucky’s body and he would kiss every inch of available skin on Tony as he could as they moved and moaned against one another.  Tony never said it back, he always told Bucky he was ‘beautiful’, ‘amazing’, ‘incredible’, ‘gorgeous’, or other various compliments that made his heart skip a beat, but he never said that he loved Bucky back.  It didn’t bother him though.  Bucky didn’t deserve to be loved by Tony, he was content in Tony allowing himself to be loved by him.

 

 

Clint’s phone chirped.  He glanced down at it and then jumped up from his seat with an excited shout.  “It’s happening!  Robots are attacking the tower.  Jokes on them, it’s Sunday and we’re not there so it’s empty.”  Clint said quickly as he rushed to the door.  “Come on Rhodes.  Avengering time.”

 

 

“Avengering.”  Rhodey said, shaking his head.  He looked at Bucky.  “Watch Tony.”

 

 

Bucky nodded as he watched Rhodes leave the room.  If there was a fight then they could all be certain that he would guard Tony.  His mission was still to keep him alive.  Almost killing him with shellfish had been a nasty inconvenience but everything would be fine.  Tony was alive, he was breathing again, and Bucky was never going to let something like that happen again.

 

 

“I don’t need to be watched.”  Bucky’s gaze snapped towards the direction of the soft voice.  Tony’s eyes were open, blinking rapidly.  “’m a big boy.”

 

 

“Yeah.”  Bucky said.  He quickly reached out to take Tony’s hand.  It was too soon, he would have preferred it if he would sleep more.  “Sorry about all that.”

 

 

Tony frowned.  He moved to sit up, groaning as Bucky nudged him gently back down.  “Sorry for what?”

 

 

“Almost killing you.”

 

 

“Happens to the best of us.”  Tony said.  “Half the people I meet almost kill me.”

 

 

Bucky growled, he didn’t really mean to.  It was just a low rumbling deep in his chest at the simple mention of people meeting Tony and deciding to kill him.  It almost made him as angry as he had been when Tony casually mentioned that he thought Bucky wanted something from him because there couldn’t be any other reason for him to want to be with him.  Too many people had hurt Tony, Bucky didn’t want to be one of them.

 

 

“It was an accident.  Don’t joke about it, love.”  Bucky said softly.  “You stopped breathing.  Your face turned blue.  I had to ride in the back of an ambulance and then sit in the waiting room for hours.  You scared me to death.”

 

 

“Sorry.”  Tony said.  He still sounded tired and about ready to fall back to sleep.

 

 

Bucky sighed.  “You have nothing to apologize for.”

 

 

“I’ll tell you what I’m allergic to later.  Which is basically just all shellfish.  And clams, if that counts.  Oysters.  Lobster.”  Tony said.  His eyes grew distant as he buried his head further into the pillow.  “I can’t think of the rest.”

 

 

“That’s alright.  Just get some sleep, doll.  The teams taking care of everything.”  Bucky said.

 

 

“We got the guy?”

 

 

“Yeah.”  Bucky said, nodding quickly.  “All those tests you were running showed us where he was.  He’s in custody but his robots are causing trouble.  It’s all fine.  Go to sleep.”

 

 

Tony seemed hesitant.  He looked just a moment away from arguing and leaving his bed to go looking for the fight.  Bucky wouldn’t let him, he tried to make that obvious by crossing his arms and glaring at Tony until he yawned and nodded.

 

 

“Fine, Mr. Grumpy.  I’ll just take a nap.”  Tony muttered.

 

 

“Good.  You need rest.”  Bucky said.  He grabbed Tony’s hand again and kissed lightly on his knuckles.  “I love you.”

 

 

Tony closed his eyes, but he smiled brightly and Bucky could see the barest hints of pink on his cheeks.  “Yeah?”  He asked, his voice soft and tired.

 

 

“Yeah, punk.  I love you.”

 

 

Tony squeezed his hand, not bothering to open his eyes.  He was probably moments away from falling asleep.  “You’ll stay?”  He asked, almost too quiet to hear.

 

 

“Yeah.”  Bucky said.  He leaned forward and dropped a soft kiss to Tony’s forehead.  “I’ll stay for as long as you want me.”

 

 

Everything was okay.  It didn’t go how he expected, but Tony was alive and mostly healthy.  He had put on weight from when Bucky first known him, doesn’t work himself until he’s exhausted or sick anymore, and he was happy.  Healthy when not taking into account the allergy attack.  Alive.  He was all the things Bucky wanted for him and more, he had taken all the steps he had laid out for himself to get to this point.  He would stay right here by his side until Tony declared that he didn’t want him anymore.  It was unlikely to happen, Tony loved him.  He didn’t need to say it, it was evident in all the ways he let Bucky love him and trust him.

 

 

His life had become so much better than he deserved.  There was still a lot to work on, for both of them, but they would be just fine together.

 

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sappy ending is Sappy.  
> Thank you for reading, I hope you liked it. I enjoyed writing it and thank you to all those who bookmarked, subscribed, left kudos, or commented.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. More to come.  
> Feel free to comment or follow my [tumblr](http://aceofultron.tumblr.com/)


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